It’s 6:43 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I’m half-awake and hazy as I walk into class.
I didn’t want to come here today. My bed was warm. My pajamas were soft.
But Trisha is saving me a bike. I don’t want to leave her hanging.
So here I am.
The studio at Sarah Fechter Fitness is bathed in red and blue lights this morning, looking more dance club than gym. Shadows blanket the silver Spin bikes. They’re gathered in a gleaming group like a herd of stallions. Pop music plays…something familiar but not exactly memorable… with a sturdy, thick beat.
I feel antsy as I anticipate the difficult and discomfort that awaits me. But that’s working out, I guess. I adjust my white cotton headband—a strategic dam for my forehead sweat—and head toward the front of the class.
People are already on their bikes, turning pedals and swigging water. Some are wearing maize and blue. Others are wearing green and white. I’m wearing neon pants and a purple tank top. The same color as Barney the Dinosaur. I got it for $5 at Old Navy a million years ago.
Oh yeah, I remember. The game is today. THE Game. Michigan vs. Michigan State. Mom has moved from slot machines to sports bets, just waiting for the day when she’s finally won her millions.
“Who would you bet on?” my mom asked my brother last week over sirloin and fried onions at Outback Steakhouse. Ryan shrugged.
“I just don’t know,” she continued. “They say Michigan is supposed to win, but then again, Michigan State always comes back, so…” She twisted her mouth to the side. Her thinking face.
Now, the soft hum of the spinning wheels fills the room. I wonder which team Mom picked to prevail.
“Hey Trisha,” I say as I walk up to the bike in the front row, one off from dead center. “This bike mine?”
“Yep, I saved it for you,” she smiled, adjusting her bike to the left of mine. She’s more hardcore than me. She’s got special cycling shoes and two water bottles.
“Thanks.” I clutch on to my water bottle from Meijer. The cheap plastic crunches beneath my grip.
I look down at the shiny wooden floor. Trisha has set down her tennis shoes on one of the studio’s black foam mats. The words “PERFORM BETTER!” are branded in white letters. The “O” in “PERFORM” is a smiley face.
I sit down on the bike and settle in. The class is full now. I turn the pedals, joining the chorus of caloric burning.
The music stops. Janelle stands in front of me on the small, square stage. Janelle’s bike sits stoic behind her, lone and looming over the room. Waiting.
“Welcome to Saturday Spin, friends!” she bellows. She’s tall and lean, her long brown hair slicked back into a sleek ponytail.
Janelle is an elementary school teacher. You can tell. She commands a room with kindness and authority, her voice ringing clear as a bell. “I’ve got to ask: Who’s cheering for Michigan?” Some cyclists cheer. “And who’s cheering for Michigan State?” More cheers. She grins.
“OK, we’ve got a great ride for you today,” she tells us as she plugs in an iPod to the outlet in the wall. Music pulses over our heads. “Great playlist, great class. Let’s get going.” She hops on the bike and begins to pedal.
Suddenly, the class takes on a focused seriousness that reminds me of church. Janelle stands tall over us like a pastor. The bikes are in line like pews. We follow her every move.
My enemy comes in the form of a small, red knob on the bike. It looks gray under the red and blue lights. The actual name of the thing is the Resistance Knob. Yeah. RESISTANCE Knob. A turn to the right adds tension by adding weight to the wheel. A turn to the left lightens the load. You determine the difficulty.
“Add,” Janelle orders. We turn our knobs. We spin our wheels. The ride gets harder, mimicking an upward climb on a hill. The song switches.
“I’m sweating like a man up here,” Janelle jokes. Um, same. The red light catches the gleam on her face.
“Now I want you to add resistance,” she coaches. “Add enough tension to stand tall.”
I turn my knob to the right. My cadence slows under the new weight. “Now stand up in the saddle,” Janelle instructs. “Don’t fly off.”
I stand up from the bike seat, my knees bouncing like bobbers in the water. My mind wanders. Enough tension to stand tall. Sweat pours down my back. I’m still bobbin’, still standin’, until Janelle tells us to sit back down.
“Take some tension off, grab a towel, get a drink.” I guzzle from my cheap water bottle, gulp oxygen into my lungs, turn that wheel with quiet desperation.
The hollowed, intergalactic sounds of Michael Jackson’s “Dirty Diana” begins.
“Okay, we are going to do a strength climb,” Janelle instructs. Her wheels are turning. “It’s going to get heavy.”
Michael wails in his high-pitched voice. “Now, add, add, add, ADD,” Janelle chants. “Now go.”
The song plays. My legs burn. The wheel slows. The mind games begin as my body wails. All it takes is one turn for me to end this misery, to ease up, to let off. To make it, you know, not so damn hard.
But then Janelle chimes in, as if she’s reading my thoughts.
“Come on,” she urges, pulling her fingers toward her palms in a “gimme more” gesture. “Don’t fall off, come with me.” She looks into our faces. I bite my lip.
“You’re uncomfortable,” she says to the class matter-of-factly, “not dead. You’re not going to die.” She continues cycling. “Mind over muscle.”
And I realize Janelle is right.
This is supposed to be uncomfortable. It’s supposed to be hard. It’s hard as the resistance gets turned up, it’s hard as my legs turn from fire to jelly, it’s hard as the sweat seeps into my eyes and Michael Jackson keeps singing, and THIS SONG IS SERIOUSLY THE LONGEST SONG EVER. WHO THE HECK IS DIRTY DIANA ANYWAY?
It’s all hard.
But just as quickly as the difficult comes?
The song ends. The weight is lifted.
“Great job,” Janelle boasts. “Way to finish strong.”
As I wipe sweat from my eyebrow, I think about what Janelle said back at the beginning of class…how we need to add enough tension so we can stand tall. If you don’t have enough tension, you’ll lose control of the wheel. You feel like you’re going to spin right off the bike.
Maybe that’s how life works.
We need the tension in order to stand tall. To rise above. To see where we stand. To maintain control. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts. It’s not fun.
But it’s necessary.
Last week, I visited my friend Cassie after work. She has the cutest 8-month baby boy in the world, and he isn’t a big fan of getting ready for bed. He cries as she lovingly changes him out of his clothes and into his jammies. He shakes his head no. He wants to stay awake and take in the world.
“How do you deal with the crying?” I ask. “Like when it gets really bad?”
She shrugged. “The crying stops eventually.”
Now, Janelle slows her pedals. “Great class today,” she nods as we clap.
I turn the knob to the left. The tension is gone. I sit still. I stretch. I remember Cassie, and her son, and how lovingly she looked at him, read him a story, counted to ten and tickled his toes. He gives the biggest grin and the best giggle, cracking open us all with joy.
The crying stops eventually.
It all stops eventually.
Nothing lasts forever. Including the pain.
Especially the pain.
It’s easy to forgot that in the dark holes of life—in the drippy tears and caked sweat and dirty dishes and missed opportunities and guilt-ridden mistakes— we find who we are. We design—or redesign—our lives. We get angry, we forgive, we let go. It’s a constant turn on the Resistance Knob.
We get off the bike.
Back on again.
And move forward.
Our street is busy.
The busiest street I’ve ever lived on, anyway.
The constant whoosh of cars still sounds foreign to me. Whenever the bass of some big Buick blares by the house, I can’t help but look out the window. Daisy accompanies me.
She barks. I don’t.
The first house I called home was a 1970s ranch where we lived during the 90s. It sat on the last leg of a dead end road. Pine Street.
My room was located at the end of the house. Last window on the right. I had a peach-colored comforter and a blue boom box with red and yellow buttons. I’d pop in my cassettes—the Space Jam soundtrack, Celine Dion, George Strait, the Spice Girls—and imagine stage-worthy scenarios with packed audiences. In front of my dresser mirror, I’d dance and lip sync while wearing my purple velvet dance leotard. The flower print one. A two piece because it showed my belly button. ‘Cause I wanted to be a little bit scandalous.
The house had a basketball hoop, and a dog kennel, and a two-car garage. Across the street, thick woods thinned toward the shore of the Bad River’s brown waters. When an unexpected car made the slow, bumpy drive down, down, down the road to our driveway, it was an Event.
“Who’s here?” my mom would ask, her eyebrows reaching the sky.
“Some car,” I’d answer.
“Oh. They’re probably just turning around.”
I’d step back from the big picture window to hide my owl eyes. The car pulled in, backed up, headed where it came from. I felt disappointed that they were leaving because it was such an occasion, to see a car. We usually saw more deer than people.
Every year on Halloween, we used an orange plastic bowl from McDonald’s…one of those free gimmies for buying a Happy Meal. It had black triangle eyes and a toothy smile to resemble a pumpkin. We filled the bowl with Neapolitan taffy and left it on the porch, just in case any stray trick-or-treaters wandered our way. We bundled up and went to a few houses to collect Kit Kats and Twix bars. When we got home, our pumpkin bowl remained untouched.
Since we didn’t have neighbors, there were no neighborly waves. No borrowed cups of sugar. No fear of noise complaints. During the warm summer nights, my little brother and I took turns riding on the back of Dad’s yellow Honda Mini Trail bike. The engine snarled as we squealed past our fence in the front yard, past the orange and yellow marigolds my dad planted, past the wild rhubarb we never picked but probably should have.
I loved when Dad steered us along the overgrown trail into the gnarled woods. I’d close my eyes and feel the wind’s fingers tangle my hair. The bushes tickled my face. The scent of Black-Eyed Susans filled my nostrils, lodging the memories into my mind. They come forward whenever I smell the wildflowers now.
Twenty years have passed since I lived on Pine Street. I can still remember the address. Can still recite the phone number.
One afternoon a few months ago, I stood across from my mom in the kitchen while she folded bath towels.
“Did you ever feel pressure from other parents?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Like, did you feel like you needed to send us to a certain school, or do things a certain way?”
In other words: Mom, did you feel the need to drink the juice out of the Perfect Parenting punch bowl?
Mom spread the pink towel on the counter. Folded one end in, then the other.
“Honey, you grew up on a dead end street across from the Bad River,” she answered matter-of-factly. She added the folded towel to the pile. “And I think you turned out just fine.”
Nowadays, my husband and I have neighbors. There’s traffic. We’re two minutes from the Class A high school. But we get a taste of the country, too. Behind our house, it’s all fields and tall trees. Blackbirds chatter like the old men drinking black coffee at McDonald’s.
A sugar beet field stretches along the south side of our house. A few weeks ago, a weathered farmer went back and forth with his harvester outside our window, scraping the fields clean and crop-free. He was so close to the house, we could have reached out and given him a high five.
Daisy barked. I didn’t.
Whenever I’m coming or going from Meijer or (let’s be honest) TJ Maxx, I pass the same line of houses. One house uses a projector to splash holiday-themed light designs on their brown siding. Not just for Christmas, either. This year, I’ve seen hearts for Valentine’s Day, and stars for the Fourth of July, and eggs for Easter. Another house further down is long and skinny and brown. It has a burgundy star hanging on the front. The fancy red brick two-story across the street has a perfect lawn and a stunning chandelier. It makes me think of that ballroom scene in “Beauty and the Beast.”
Other houses are sandwiched in between the rest, but they all blur together so they look the same. Like a boy band. I see them as The Bunch of Houses on the Left Side of the Street.
At the beginning of this summer, one house broke free from the pack.
It started with the bushes.
Normally, thick green bushes concealed this house from the road. But one day, they were gone, revealing a house that faced the road dead-on, defiant in its visibility. Like, “Yep. I’ve been here this whole time.” It was small—900 square feet? 800?—and shaped like a tissue box. White. Yellow caution tape criss-crossed the driveway. A hint and a warning.
As Adam and I made our daily drives into Saginaw to run errands or do whatever, we’d glance at the house. The once-hidden yard had turned into the Center of Hustle and Bustle. Men wearing jeans and construction boots were always there: moving drywall and carrying siding and pushing piles of dirt with a Bobcat.
We still weren’t quite sure what they were doing until they did it. In July, a huge garage-like structure stood large and looming next to the small house. It was two stories, and at least double the size of its partner.
“So do you think it’s a garage?” I said as I stared out the passenger window while Adam drove straight. “Or a new house?”
“If it’s a new house, I don’t know why they’re so hell-bent on saving that original house,” Adam glanced out the window, then back at the road. “Why make the addition bigger than the house that was already there?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “You’d think it’d be easier to just start from scratch. Build exactly what you want.”
The new house-garage was too big, the old house too small. The pair didn't line up. Like a tall, gangly girl and an awkward pre-teen boy trying to slow dance in a middle school gymnasium. It didn't make sense.
But then—then!—it did.
The changes to the house were probably gradual. Not to the owners, or the workers. But to us, it was as if it all happened overnight. Like a drastic haircut combined with fresh makeup and a new outfit, the pieces all clicked together to create The Big Noticeable Change.
That change? A hallway.
The builders had connected the small house to the huge garage with a hallway, or a breezeway. Either way, the two weren't separate anymore. Suddenly, we realized: they weren’t building a garage, or a new house. They weren’t starting over. They were adding on. It was one big house.
We saw the other changes come quickly afterwards. The gray siding. The white garage doors. The new roof. They still aren’t done. Every day, it looks more beautiful. More cohesive.
What looked like a hodge-podge of a situation is now a beautiful, updated home.
“Look how pretty that house looks,” I told Adam as we drove by once again. They have recently added a copper-colored awning to a portion of the old house.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “They’re really coming along with it. It looks so different.”
“It’s crazy,” I said, turning to face the windshield. “We thought they’d be better off starting from scratch.”
“Guess we were wrong.”
I admit it: I was skeptical at first. I didn’t see the vision. Not that the opinion of Lindsay the Nosy Neighbor matters. But all I saw was a tall square garage-house dwarfing a small tissue box house. I kept thinking, "Why salvage the old when you can start brand new?"
The little house down the road taught me something though.
Maybe we don’t need to start over by tearing down.
Maybe it’s good to keep the bones. Rebuild by adding on to the existing foundation. The original isn’t always a hurdle…it’s a starting place to create something new. Starting over can mean making something beautiful out of what others on the outside see as Not Worth It.
Maybe adding on is a way to let go.
All it takes is time, and effort…and a hallway to connect the two.
(Yes, I'm creepy and took a paparazzi-like photo of the house down the street.)
When Adam and I first got married, we lived in a 900-square foot duplex. We called it “The Plex.” Partly to sound cool. Partly to make the place feel like it was ours.
After we got engaged, our home search started with realtor websites. Which gifted us with some, erm, unforgettable options.
There was the house in Midland with the decal-covered walls. You know, the ones with the inspirational sayings in black swirly letters? Like, “LIVE LAUGH LOVE” and “FAMILY” and “HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS.”
Those decals were everywhere. The entryway. The kitchen. The bathroom. It was an admirable aesthetic…until you saw the fist-shaped holes that outnumbered the adhesive platitudes.
There was the apartment that looked pretty nice, but smelled bad. Really bad. Like rotten eggs, or dead mice. Or both.
There was the place where the landlord was an hour late to show us around. Adam and I stood under a gray sky on the crumbling concrete stoop and waited. We tried to call. We almost left. Then the landlord finally pulled up alongside the curb. He was an older, wiry man with gray hair and bad eye contact. He grumbled “Hello” as he walked up to greet us. No apologies.
He opened the door with a gold key and a grim face. The hallway smelled like molded food. But the counters were clean and white, and the natural lighting was welcoming. The floors were smooth hardwood. The rooms resembled rooms, not closets.
The landlord took us down a dark, damp staircase. It led to an even darker basement with a low ceiling. Rickety washers and dryers sat in the corner, looming and leering. A small slant of light filtered in from one grimy window. A 20something man with long, stringy hair and narrowed eyes shot us a blank stare as he folded a faded shirt. No smile. No nod. No words.
“People definitely hide bodies in here,” I whispered behind Adam as we headed back up the stairs.
After seeing those gems, I continued our quest for a place by searching Craigslist. A Hail Mary attempt that gave me a huge win a few years prior.
Before—before the Plex, and the wedding, and the engagement, and everything else—I lived in a gray house with a kind roommate named Kaylee and her happy goldendoodle named Cooper. It was my first Craigslist find after wanting (needing) to move out of my parents’ house after grad school.
The house sat in the middle of a Saginaw suburb. It was furnished with a beautiful leather couch, a large table, black bar stools and a glass hutch that held pretty dishes.
Kaylee and I alternated taking out the trash and washing the floors and mowing the lawn with an old, red push mower. There was a porch in the back, a garage in the front, and neighbors that waved. I had my own bathroom. It was the perfect living situation for me. The epitome of right time, right place.
The experience gave me enough hope to try Craigslist again to find a home for me and Adam. I crossed my fingers. Please no creepers, no murderers, no scam artists.
One afternoon while perusing the site, I saw a post for a duplex in a nearby town. I clicked to learn more. The listing showed a small description and few pictures of the place. Tan. Front window. Side porch. Small yard.
The best part? It was a 10-minute drive from my work. Fifteen minutes for Adam. A dream for two country kids who were used to a half-hour commute or more.
Hm, I thought as I clicked though the photos. This looks promising.
Still, doubt tugged at my brain. We had been through this enough to know that the photos always looked good. It was what you saw in person that showed the true reality.
During lunch at work, I sent the link to Adam. My subject line matched the email body: DUPLEX?!?!
I composed a second email. Just say the word and I will send an email.
Adam eloquently responded a few minutes later:
My fingers tingled with the special brand of excitement. The kind that comes with a hint of the Maybe This Is It feeling. I was sick of worrying about where we would live. I hoped this was the answer.
I typed a third message.
My name is Lindsay; my fiancé and I are looking for a duplex to rent and saw your ad on Craigslist. Would love to take a look at the place if possible? Let me know if and when the duplex would be available for us to see.
The owner of the duplex—a middle-aged realtor named Matt—responded right away. We arranged for a tour the next day.
As soon as Adam and I pulled into the duplex’s driveway, we knew it was the place we’d start our first chapter as husband and wife.
“Is that it?” I asked. Adam slowly drove down the back road. I looked down at the address on my phone, then back up at the tan duplex with the small front yard.
“Yup, that one right there on the left, I think so,” Adam answered. He parked across the street: two tires on the road, two tires on the tall grass in front of a large field.
“Oh my gosh, it looks so cute, look at the soybeans!” I said. I stared out the window.
The duplex was even cuter in person. I loved the light blue door. The small, winding sidewalk. The side porch with the brown paint. The pair of short green bushes that sat in the front yard like a chubby welcoming committee.
“This is it, it has to be,” I said to Adam.
“Let’s go in and see more,” he said.
The front yard sat across from a potholed back road that ran parallel to a soybean field. A small tree hugged the siding like a smooth arm across the back of a chair.
Neighborhood kids squealed as they played outside. The springs of a trampoline squeaked as the kids bounced up and down. Large pine trees lined a back yard that butted up to the edge of a subdivision.
“Hello!” Matt the Landlord got out of his black truck. He wore a suit and looked like the brother of one of Adam’s friends. The random familiarity was oddly reassuring. “I’m Matt,”—he stuck out his hand to each of us—“nice to meet you both. Come on in.”
The duplex’s connecting unit looked exactly the same, but flipped like a reflection.
“He works at Dow,” Matt pointed a thumb toward the neighbor’s silver Dodge truck as we walked toward the front door. A sleek yellow racing boat loomed on his side of the driveway. “He’s lived here awhile. Solo. He keeps to himself.”
Matt got out the key and opened the light blue door. We stepped inside a good-sized living room. Curtains with a brown geometric pattern hung in the front window. A sliding glass window opened up to the side porch. The kitchen window stretched above the sink, and a long, white counter jutted out from the elbow of the wall.
“Can we paint?” I asked Matt as he showed us the two bedrooms, and the washer and dryer in the closet. I don’t know why I was asking. I didn’t have intentions of painting. I was fishing for faults. Just in case.
“Sure,” he said. “We can talk about that.”
As we walked down the stairs to the carpeted basement, I turned mid-step to look at Adam behind me. My eyes bugged out of my head, eyebrows touching my hairline as I whispered, “Oh my God.” Adam smiled with a nod.
The next day, Adam emailed Matt to let him know we’d like to live at the duplex. We went to Matt’s house to sign the lease. It was Official. We had found our first home.
After our honeymoon, we returned to the Plex as husband and wife. Adam carried me over the altar. We lived at the Plex for a year and a half.
We spent our first Christmas there, putting up the tiniest fake tree that gave Charlie Brown’s tree a run for its money. It sat on an end table, the wiry arms proudly displaying our new ornament from Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland. It was painted sparkly red and said “Our First Christmas as Mr. and Mrs.: 2015” in white letters.
“This can be our tradition!” I exclaimed as I readjusted the ornament so it faced the front. “We go and pick out a new ornament every year.”
On the caramel brown couch in the living room—my grandpa’s old couch before he passed away—I answered the call from Kelly on a Tuesday night. I moved as she talked, making my way to the bedroom floor, knees to chest, back to bed frame, as my beautiful friend told me her bloody nose has turned into a cancer diagnosis.
In the kitchen, Courtney and I had our first annual Christmas girls’ day. We baked lemon cookies and painted snowmen faces on glass Mason jars.
Around the coffee table—the one I bought from my friend Leslie in the parking lot of the community center—girls from church sat with me as we talked about God and life and the future.
We hosted our first garage sale…and quickly learned that hosting a garage sale requires a lot of work. And sorting. And pricing. And junk.
I finished my first novel at the Plex.
I paced the living room as my first literary agent made me an offer to represent me as an author.
I got my first agent contract in the mailbox.
Back then, Adam and I didn’t have our puppy.
We didn’t know how to share.
We didn’t know how to decorate.
We didn’t know how to be married.
But we were figuring out. Trying, anyway.
One day, I almost burned the place down while making macaroni and cheese. I grew up with an electric stove, completely naïve and annoyingly privileged in kitchen appliances. I turned the knob on the gas stove but the flame did not ignite. As I stirred the limp pasta, I realized it was not cooking. I dipped my finger in the sauce. It wasn’t even warm.
I called Adam.
“Um, I’m cooking this, but it’s not warm at all?”
“Well, did the flame ignite?”
“Look underneath the pot. Is there a flame burning?”
“You’ve probably got the gas on, but it’s not lit. Turn it off,” Adam said in a hurried voice.
I turned the dial to the left, then turned it back on. This time, the flame lit.
“Ohhh,” I said. “OK. Now I get it.”
“You could have burnt the whole place down!” my mom scolded me later.
The day we moved out of the Plex, I stood in the empty living room and thought of all the memories stuffed in between the walls. I took a long glance back, my heart both light and heavy at the same time. I shut the blue door and turned the key.
We live in a house in a different city now. We know more than we did then. But there is still a soft place in my heart for the duplex. There always will be. It was where we learned so much, and grew even more.
We drove by the Plex on the way home from church today. It looks the same, but different. The field across the street still has soybeans. The neighbor still has a truck. The curtains with the geometric pattern still hang in the front window, but a new welcome mat sits on the stoop.
“I loved the Plex,” I said longingly as I stared at the blue door.
They say it doesn’t matter where you are, but who you’re with. I get that. I do. But I also believe the place DOES matter. Because the place can play just as big of a part in your life as a person.
A place holds memories. They’re in the floors, and the rooms, and the curtains. They’re behind closed doors and in the front yard and stuffed in the mailbox.
A place is part of your past….and it helps you appreciate the present. Especially when the place wasn’t just a place. It was home.
“Do you see them?”
Mom stood behind my shoulder. The anticipation rolled off her skin like the spring sun dripping down my parents’ driveway.
“Hold on a sec,” I told her. My fingers pulled back the green frame of leaves. I peered inside the shrubbery.
Yup. Mom was right. There it was. Smack dab in the middle of the tallest shrub between the sidewalk and my parents’ garage.
The bird nest was the clear result of instinctual architecture. A tangle of twigs and twine. Lopsided, but sturdy. Mama bird done good.
“See them?” my mom asked me again. Her voice pitched high with expectation and excitement.
I lifted my heels off the ground to get a closer look. A bird chirped from one of the nearby oak limbs. The breeze twisted through the trees.
“Oh yep,” I whispered as I looked down. “I see them.”
Three oval eggs sat side-by-side in the bottom of the nest’s belly. Off-white with brown specks. Like they were covered in freckles, or dipped in Oreo cookie crumbs.
“Those are the cardinal eggs,” Mom explained. “Isn’t that cool?”
“Very cool,” I breathed. I counted the eggs again. 1, 2, 3.
Mom watches the wooded backyard like the paparazzi dying to get a picture of Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift. A maroon-covered book titled “Birds of Michigan” and small set of black binoculars are always at the ready under the kitchen window, or on the back porch. Prime bird watching spots.
She told us that she discovered the nest a few days earlier. Cardinals are my mom’s favorite, second only to bluebirds. When Mom’s mom passed away when I was eight, we attributed a red cardinal to Grandma Phyllis. She loved to watch the cardinals from the big picture window at her house in St. Paul.
“There’s Grandma,” our family says whenever we see a rush of red wings. We feel better when we see cardinals. More hopeful. Less alone. I don’t know. Something.
Watching Mother Nature go to work never gets old for me. Unless she’s working the night shift during the winter, dumping king-size comforters of snow across our roads.
Still, I forget that Mother Nature wears a food chain that drapes around her neck. She does nothing without her ever-important accessory.
We have no say in the outfit. As humans, we are an impactful link in the chain. We help spur actions and reactions. Define the hunter and the hunted.
Mother Nature is not too shy to remind us where we all stand.
The following week after seeing the cardinal eggs, my husband and I went back to my parents’ house for a Memorial Day cookout. The afternoon was warm, the grass was green, and summer was ushering spring out the door like a gentleman who minds his manners, but can’t hide the fact that he wants the girl to leave.
We brought Daisy to swim in my parents’ pond. She’s obsessed with the water and loves to launch herself off the old wooden dock into the murky green-blue water. My brother and his girlfriend joined us. They brought Bentley, their German Shorthaired Pointer. The dogs were a couple of besties, galloping side-by-side after tennis balls and kicking up dead leaves as they tramped through the woods at warp speed.
The round metal grill sizzled when Mom placed the hot dogs on the grate. I could hear Dad and Adam laughing by the pond, followed by the whoosh of a splash from the pups. The air smelled like hot charcoal and new grass and fresh air.
With a book in my lap and cheap black sunglasses on my nose, I sat near the front yard in a red folding chair. The black netting of the cup holders were chewed away (courtesy of Daisy), leaving empty holes I could put my hands through. The sun felt warm. I felt happy.
My eyes followed wings as the mama cardinal flew in and out of the shrub, feeding the eggs that cracked open to become breathing babies. I smiled at the sight.
“Do you want to see the cardinal nest?” my mom offered my brother’s girlfriend, Sage. Once Mom finds a new nest or identifies a bird, she loves to share the knowledge.
“Sure,” Sage said. I kept my eyes on my book. It was just getting to the good part. The main character and the guy she liked were about to get together.
I looked up at the sound of my mom’s shriek. Panic caked her face as she held the cardinal nest high above her head. Sage had her own hands full as she tried to hold back her dog, who was lunging at the nest with intensity and strength.
“Bentley, no! NO.” Sage scolded. She tugged at the dog’s collar, pulling against the weight with a heave.
“She can smell the birds, she knows they’re in this nest, I can’t believe it.” The words tumbled out of my mom’s mouth as quickly as she thought them. She looked at me, exasperated. Her eyebrows furrowed across her forehead.
Sage pulled Bentley away while Mom tried to place the nest back into the bush. I sat in my chair, too stunned at the scene to move.
“Call your dad up here,” Mom ordered.
“Dad!” My voice boomed.
The dog lunged again, breaking free from Sage’s grasp.
“Daaaaaahhhhhhd,” I yelled again.
“Whaaaat?” Dad answered, his voice losing volume as it carried from the back of the pond.
“Come here!” I called back.
“Oh no, no, no, no,” Mom shrieked again, covering the branches with her hands as Bentley lunged at the birds.
“Bentley, stop it!” Sage repeated. She pulled the dog back and tried to step away from the shrub.
Dripping with pond water, Daisy came galloping toward me, Dad and Adam behind her. I set my book on the ground and stood up from the chair.
“Come on, let’s go pups,” I directed. I jogged back toward the pond, away from the scene of the crime. Daisy followed me, while Sage redirected Bentley back toward my brother near the pond. With Daisy refocused on the pond, I turned again toward the shrub, where Mom and Dad and Adam stood.
Adam took the nest from Mom. It still held the three balls of bird inside. He began moving branches, peeling back the shrub’s layers for a place to reposition the nest. Mom reported to Dad what just had happened.
“The mom probably won’t come back now, huh?” Mom asked Dad. “Since we messed with the nest?”
“I don’t know,” he said.
I went inside the house. My gut told me the baby birds were probably goners, which made me feel sad and quiet and weighed down, for some reason.
I told myself they were just birds. There are a lot of birds. These things happen. It was just how Mother Nature worked. You can’t change her rules.
But, I thought as I pictured my mom’s face as she held the nest above her head, they were my mom’s birds. Cardinals. Grandma’s birds.
A few minutes later, I heard the back door open, then shut. Mom climbed up the stairs and found me in my old bedroom.
“Bentley’s a bird dog, she’s designed to do that,” Mom reasoned. I nodded. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. A result of Mother Nature’s food chain, and instinct, and circumstance.
They’re just birds. But my mom was my mom. And I knew she was upset, as much as she tried to hide it.
“Do you think they’ll be OK? I don’t know if the Mama Bird will come back now,” my mom repeated. Yup. This nest situation was traveling the Worrisome Route along the train tracks of my mother’s mind. A never-ending loop.
“Did you put the nest back where it was?” I asked.
“Adam tried, but he couldn’t,” Mom glanced out the window. “The branches were knocked all over the place. He put it a bit higher than where it originally was.”
“I’m sure they’ll find it,” I said, referring to the baby birds’ parents. We had seen the dad, a burst of bright red feathers, feeding the babies just as much as the mom.
Despite my words, my own instinct inside my gut poked and prodded at my brain. We had always heard that birds wouldn’t have anything to do with their babies if they had contact with humans.
Mom and I went back outside.
“Let’s move the nest,” Dad suggested when he saw us in the driveway. “Put it inside the garage while we eat dinner so Bentley won’t try to get the birds again. After dinner, we’ll try to put the nest back.”
Mom reluctantly agreed. The baby birds, nestled inside the only home they knew, were transplanted to the roof of the red Ford Focus inside the garage.
We went inside and ate hot dogs with red ketchup and yellow mustard. Taco salad with crunchy Doritos on top. Ladles of thick beans and glasses of lemonade.
We didn’t talk about the birds.
After dinner, Adam and I left to meet his family for ice cream. I tried to put the whole Nest Situation out of my mind. What was done was done.
Hopefully Mom felt the same way. I imagined the complex map of my mother’s mind. Lots of Worry Trails.
Yeah, doubt it.
We returned to my parents’ house to pick up Daisy an hour later. As Adam drove down my parents’ gravel driveway, I could see the outline of my mom by the shrub near the garage. Dad sat in the red chair with the chewed-out cup holders. Adam parked. We stepped out into the evening air. An orchestra of crickets had replaced the afternoon’s bird symphony.
“They can’t find the nest,” Mom said as soon as my feet hit the cement. Her voice dropped with disappointment. “We put the nest back, but we had to put it higher. In a different spot.”
“The mom came back,” Dad added, “but she’s so dumb, she went back to where the nest originally was. She couldn’t find them.” He shook his head in frustration. Dad has spent his life trying to patch the sadness holes that get poked in my mom’s heart. When they were newlyweds and Mom was missing her home back in Minnesota during Easter, Dad hid eggs around their apartment for Mom to find.
He hates seeing her upset…but he hates when he can’t do anything about it even more. I guess I was the same way, too. We try to be the protectors of Mom’s happiness. As much as we can, anyway.
“I tried to feed them,” Mom said. “Dad found me some worms.” She held up a red lid that held the squirming dark earth eaters. “They had their mouths open when I went to feed them, but then they heard my voice and shut up.” She sighed. “I shouldn’t have talked.”
I took a step toward the shrub and pulled back the higher leaves. Sure enough, the baby cardinals sat there, fluffy and alive. But their eyes were shut. So were their yellow mouths. They knew I wasn’t their mother. It was the ultimate game of “Can’t see you, so you can’t see me.”
“I need tweezers,” Mom complained. “I’ll try to feed them again, but the problem is, the worms get stuck to my fingers.” She went inside.
Adam stood next to me. Dad sat in the red chair. Quiet.
“Are the birds gonna die?” I asked him. I could always get straight to the point with Dad.
“I don’t know,” he answered, raising his eyebrows in uncertainty. “They say it’s hard when you mess with the nest.”
I nodded. My heart fell.
“Guess we’ll have to wait and see,” Dad said.
I glanced back at the baby birds, new and fresh and helpless. Waiting. Their innocence broke my heart. Their instinctual reliance on their parents in order to live. The fact that they knew food would come…and the fact that we knew it probably wouldn’t.
I pushed the thought out of the way. These things happened, I reminded myself.
They’re. Just. Birds.
End of story.
But they were more than that, I reasoned. The birds were a symbol of my mom’s happiness. Her joy at finding the eggs, and showing the nest to all of us, at watching the babies grow. Now the scenario was stunted, and she blamed herself. We all felt helpless at the disruption of my mom’s happiness.
Adam and I loaded Daisy in the back of the car. The air blew back our dog’s ears as we drove home.
“I’m kinda bummed about the birds,” I confessed.
“Me too,” he said.
I was glad I didn’t have to watch them die though,I thought. I tried not to picture the eventual lifeless birds in the brown nest. I tried not to see the clueless cardinal, returning to the same spot again and again, baffled by the fact that her babies were gone.
The next day, Mom called me. I was afraid to answer. I didn’t want to hear the details about the baby birds impending death, or hear the sadness in my mom’s voice as she put her worries on repeat.
Still, I pressed the ANSWER button on my cell phone. “Hey Mom.”
“Honey!” My mom’s voice crackled in my ear with spark. “Guess what!”
“What?” I stood still.
“We moved the nest back to where it originally was, and the parents found the babies.”
“Are you serious?” I couldn’t believe it.
“Yep,” she answered, breathless. “Dad said he saw the mom and dad go in several times to feed them, and now they’re out of the nest.”
“What do you mean, ‘they’re out of the nest’?”
“They babies are big enough that they hopped out. They’re OK!” Mom paused, then said, “I’ve named them.”
“Yes. Faith, Hope, and Love. I figured it was appropriate, you know?”
I smiled into the phone.
“I like it, Mom. Perfect names.”
“I thought so, too.”
“I can’t believe they’re OK.”
“I know, right?” Mom sighed with relief. “You should write about this.”
“It’s such a good story, don’t you think?” I could feel her smile through the phone.
Later that day, Mom texted me photos of the birds. Her joy pounced off my screen with multiple exclamation marks. I smiled at the close-up picture of one of the birds, staring directly at the camera with confidence while it sat on a branch. No longer stuck in the nest. One step away from total independence.
This one was Faith, Mom told me. My phone buzzed with another text.
MOM: You need to write the bird story!
So here it is, Mom. Here it is.
Another lesson from the birds.
I’ll take it.
On Sunday, we went to a high school graduation ceremony. ‘Tis the season for cake and caps.
Adam was worried we would be late. I could tell because he wasn’t saying much, and he stared at the road like he wanted to diminish the distance with his eyeballs. His nail-bitten fingers clutched the steering wheel at a perfect 10 and 2.
My husband doesn’t like to be late. Neither do I, but hey. It happens.
We looked at the screen in the center of the console. The dictator of our days. The digital clock read 12:53 in neon green. The same color as those Mr. Yuk stickers my mom used to put on her old perfume bottles filled with gold liquid that smelled like dried flowers.
“See?” I pointed at the numbers, our marching orders. “Plenty of time. We won’t be late.”
I adjusted my jean jacket collar over my rainbow-printed maxi dress. I like wearing beachy dresses because they are easy to put on and don’t require buttons or zippers. They aren’t confining. Like nicer-looking pajamas. This one was a gift from my aunt in Minnesota. I wear it on special occasions.
I flipped down the visor. Lipstick likes to embarrass me by covering my front teeth.
I gave the small square mirror a fake smile. All clear.
Adam pulled into the school parking lot and cut the engine. I looked up at the big orange letters adhered to the brown-red building. GO VANDALS. A collective community cry that reverberates from the football stadium to the Whippy Dip, across the dirt roads and corn fields and back to the gymnasium….which is where we needed to be right now.
I glanced at the clock one last time as we stepped out of the car. 12:58. The ceremony was scheduled for 1 p.m.
Today, it was Adam’s cousin Elijah who would wear the long black gown and mortar cap and drape the orange satin ribbons across his shoulders. He was second to last in Adam’s long line of family members who have gone through the Vandal school system. Once Montana graduates next year, there will be a drought in this bloodline at the high school.
My flip-flops thwacked against the concrete with a pace that labeled me Late. One step behind, Adam walked with his steady, sure gait. He never appears frazzled or rushed, even when he is.
We opened the heavy glass doors that gave way to the high school lobby. I was hit with a wall of energy buzzing in the air like a swarm of bees…. the flavor of excitement that only exists when Something Big and Life-Changing is about to happen.
A long line of teenagers in black and orange cut across the lobby, weaving like the body of a milk snake. A few faces glanced our way—tan girls with shimmery eye shadow, tall guys with dark hair—while bobbing their knees and overlooking each other to get a closer look into the gym entrance. We’d learn later that the 2018 class barely stretched over 40 students. Small in size but big in possibility, the salutatorian said during her speech.
“Just in time,” I whispered to Adam. He nodded.
We passed the line of anxious seniors and leaned against the doorframe that opened to the gym. The bleachers were packed with people that looked familiar but not exactly recognizable, either. In the rows of metal chairs grouped across the wooden gym floor, I saw a hand rise above the sea of faces. I traced the fingers to the elbow to the neck and found the face of Adam’s mom.
“There,” I said, grabbing Adam’s shoulder and pointing. He took a step inside the gym.
Adam had worn the same black cap and gown years ago. That was before I knew him. While he was busy graduating, I was ten minutes down the road, two years younger and a grade behind, building my own world in another small town that was the same but different: red instead of orange, Bulldogs instead of Vandals, names like Courtney and Katie and Jessie, and Marty and Stefan and Kelly, instead of Bobby, Pat, Rachel, Ashley, Shane, Trevor.
With seconds to spare, we said hello to Adam’s parents, his aunts and uncles, and settled in for the ceremony. I turned around. Big, thick metallic black 2018 balloons connected to an umbilical cord of white ribbon wound around a white archway. I looked out into the rows of faces— grandmas, grandpas, moms, dads, friends—all just as connected to these humans as the balloons to the ties.
The familiar notes of Pomp and Circumstance began. The students marched in, two by two, like an eager army.
I waited. Then, my mind pressed play on my memories.
It happens every year. My personal Pavolivian response. No matter how many days distance myself between the then and now, this time of year transports me like a time machine. Back to the Then. To graduation, and St. Charles, and 17-year-old me…a girl with blonde highlights and big dreams and naïve notions of what the world offered me, instead of what I could give to the world.
With every bite of buttercream party cake, with every nostalgic slide show, every carefully curated photo board, I often think of my Thens in comparison to my Nows.
Then, I wanted to be a magazine reporter.
Then, I had numbers in my phone that I don’t use anymore.
Then, I thought I knew everything because I thought I had nothing to lose.
My heart had less cracks. My brain had less wisdom.
I still talked to her. I hadn’t forgotten him.
My feet had yet to touch the Atlantic Ocean.
My hands had yet to hold his.
The losing comes with the learning. And the growth.
Inside the gymnasium, the ceremony continued. The Senior slideshow had a few technical difficulties. A baby with blonde curls squealed. The band played, the awards were given, the hands clapped, the names were repeated.
Once they were declared graduates, the students didn’t toss their caps into the air.
Maybe they didn’t know they were supposed to.
Maybe they didn’t want to.
Instead, the group walked out just as they walked in. The school song played and their world surrounded them one last time before cracking open to reveal a wide sky hovering over a rolled-out red carpet of new opportunities. If they wanted them.
As I jumped into a photo with Adam and Elijiah and moved with the current of family, I pressed pause on the memories. The feeling of standing on the edge of the familiar and looking out at the dreams that dot our skyline like boats out to sea.
And I realize…that fresh & new isn’t reserved for graduates. The gratefulness for where we’ve come, and the excitement for where we’re going? We're allowed to feel that way...and to endlessly search for that feeling, again and again.
Life brings new seasons. New chapters. New choices, and chance, and change.
And hey…maybe some buttercream cake.
When I walked out of the office building on my lunch break today, the smell of rain hit me. The downpour had already stopped, but the scent lingered in the air. Fresh and new and clean. With a bizarre reaction that begets proof that yes, social media consumes my mind too often, I thought, "Wow, I should share this.”
Then I remembered scents can’t be shared on social media. Oh yeah. Duh.
And I kind of love that.
I love that this experience of the senses— the stepping out from the stale of the inside and smelling the fresh of the outside—was not, could not, be translated via my phone. The mixed perfume of damp tree bark and quenched grass and nature’s water was mine for my nostrils. I inhaled, breathing it all in. Staying present.
I walked toward my car. The concrete was darker gray from the rain. Puddles were perched in potholes. Michigan was ringing out its mitten and welcoming spring.
Spring. My favorite.
After months and months of offensive gray and cold and snow and ice, the flower-adorned, sunshine-kissed season decided to come back once more. Here in Michigan, she always keeps us waiting.
It’s pretty annoying.
For months, we sat and stared out the window like eager puppies at the door. But now it’s time for our feet to tippy-tap with excitement. Wag our tails a little.
Most people who live in the Midwest love autumn. And I get why fall is a fan-favorite: the cider, the apples, the leaves bursting in shades of burgundy and gold and amber. Don't get me wrong, I like fall. But I love spring.
My reasons are many.
The symbolism, for one. The fact that the world is coming back to life again. Starting anew. Growing again after the long and harsh and difficult.
The world gets turned up a notch. The colors are brighter. The season’s soundtrack is louder & more upbeat than the quiet, temperamental winter. Birds are chirping, frogs are singing (one of my all-time favorite sounds), baseball bats are cracking against a fast-pitch. Lawn mowers buzzing, grills sizzling, tennis shoes thumping across the dirt road. LIFE is being lived. ~insert hippie vibes here~
Memories. That’s another reason I love spring. It’s funny how memories are linked to scents, which are linked to seasons. When I smelled the aftermath of the downpour today, I instantly thought of rain-soaked high school track meets. It’s been over ten years since I ran in a track meet, but sometimes the images are as clear as the real thing: I smell the rain and grass, so I see my blue and silver spikes. The hurdles standing before me. The brown leather seats sticking to my legs on bus rides. The cool of the glass against my forehead.
When I smell charcoal, I see my dad standing over our small round grill in the driveway of my childhood home at the dead end road.
I smell roses and I remember corsages and pink prom dresses and dance recitals at the Dow Event Center before it was called the Dow Event Center. Popcorn and hot dogs and beer waft near my nostrils and I’m back at a Detroit Tigers game and watching my little brother in little league.
A smell can anchor you. The nostalgic scent of your parents’ house, or your cousin's Love's Baby Soft perfume, or fresh gardening dirt. And in a way, scents are just as tangible as the photos we take.
My husband and I always say, “Good things happen in the spring.” So I cross my fingers and say goodbye to winter. Let the good times come. Let the growth happen. Let the rain fall…and may us soak it up. Every drop. Every smell…and hook a memory in its heart and hold on.
Website makeover coming soon! Updates! And new info. And more!
So many exclamation marks!!!
My husband surprised me by painting the room to the right of the stairs when I was out of town.
He held the handle of the soft, purple roller in his callused hands. He cracked open the paint can. Carefully poured the creamy liquid into clear plastic trays. Like a sly finger in a bowl of cookie dough, he dipped the roller into the tray.
He covered the walls in a flavorful yellow called Meringue. I picked the shade after perusing Pinterest and carefully comparing a rainbow of paint chips at the Home Depot.
“Better, right?” he told me when I came home and followed me upstairs. My eyes looked like saucers as I spun around in this sudden room of sunshine. “I wanted it to feel like yours.”
“I LOVE it,” I said. “I. Love. It. I can’t believe you did this.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and closed my eyes. He smelled like turpentine and soap. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”
In another life in another decade, the first homeowner wallpapered this room. The second pair of homeowners concealed the wallpaper with brown paint.
Not dark brown. Not light brown.
The color of cheap coffee, or milk chocolate, or fake leather.
The color of my mom’s eyes when she’s unimpressed with a movie, or exhausted from a 12-hour night shift at the hospital.
The brown paint had puckered over the layer of patterned paper. The wallpaper wasn’t visible, but it refused to go unnoticed. A silent “screw you” to the people who didn’t think she was good enough.
When we first toured the house, the brown bubbled paint in the small room was a bit….off-putting.
Okay. Ugly. It was ugly.
“We’ll have to paint in here, huh?” I asked my husband. I had never painted a room before. The thought of this new task made me nervous the way new tasks always did.
He nodded. “Yeah, we can do that, no problem.”
I glanced around the narrow room. It was almost too small for a bedroom. Too big for a closet. One large window stared at the plowed corn fields and modest ranch houses lining the street.
A friend from church—a former professional painter named John—came over to check out our house once the ink was dry on the closing papers.
“We definitely have to change the color in here,” I admitted as I stepped into the small brown room, John and Adam following suit. John’s lined face turned toward the white popcorn ceiling. His eyes moved from wall to wall.
“Well, if you’re gonna be in here a lot, then you better paint it something that makes you happy,” he offered in his gravel voice. John drops wisdom the way people drop pennies.
His advice is why I picked out meringue yellow to cover up the dull brown. I wanted sunshine and bright and open.
I wanted happy.
And happy is how I felt when Adam showed me the freshly-painted walls. From that day on, we’ve slowly put the room together, piece by piece:
White book shelves lined with colorful book spines.
A wooden sparrow figurine.
A white office chair threaded with thin, silver threads—a Christmas gift from my parents.
A cream knit rug woven with a magenta diamond pattern. I got it on clearance at TJ Maxx.
Each item further transformed the room from a forgotten, brown space….to my dream writing office.
The night we moved into the new house, Adam and I laid on the wooden floor in the living room and closed our eyes. For the first time, it sunk in that we were officially homeowners. The rooms held strangers’ memories and smelled like other people, but soon, the signs would fade.
The scents of my cinnamon french toast and Adam’s ocean-scented shampoo and thick Vanilla Bean candles from Bath & Body Works would waft through the hallway and up the stairs.
Our first Christmas tree, tall and chubby and pokey, would glimmer in the front window.
Our dancing steps would cover the hardwood floors in the kitchen.
Our new chocolate lab puppy would make messes and tippy-tap with her paws and run in the back yard.
Soon, it wouldn’t be some other people’s former house. It would be our current home.
We’d leave our mark here.
On March 3, we closed on our house…which means it’s soon our one-year “homeowner-iversary.” It’s been an adventure. It’s been a learning experience.
Today, I walk into my office. I sit on the chair behind the desk and stare at the yellow walls. I breathe in the air and smile. Because it smells like home.
I’ve never seen my father without a mustache.
Once sandy brown and thick, the mustache is now gray to match Dad’s hair. “It’s blonde,” Dad corrects. (It’s gray.)
The mustache has always retained the same size and shape. No beard to accompany it ‘cause his ‘stache is a star of its own. Dad trims the upper lip hairs with dedication and tweezers and a small pair of silver scissors.
When I was young, I loved to stand next to Dad in front of our old bathroom mirror. My tiptoes tilted me closer to the sink counter. With Dad’s old, unplugged, silver electric razor in hand, I’d rub the razor head across my smooth cheeks, my mouth, my chin. I’d glance out of the corner of my eye where Dad stood next to me. His electric razor buzzed as he whirled the whiskers away. I smiled. Me and Dad. Shaving together. As dads and daughters do, don’t you know.
My dad’s name is James. Known as Jim, or Jimmy to close family and casual friends. I didn’t understand this when I was younger. “If his name is James, why do people call him Jim?” I wondered.
Even though my dad’s personality is large and distinct, its the everyday, small, meaningless objects that symbolize my dad. They serve as an extension of his personality.
He’s the blue bottle of Suave shampoo. A toothbrush with rigid bristles that turn fluffy ‘cause Dad brushes his teeth with fervor. Closed eyes, furrowed eyebrows. Tooth decay, be gone.
He has a chip in his front tooth, but not on his shoulder.
My dad was a forest green tube of Brute deodorant….until last month, when I made a crack about him wearing Old Spice. “Nope,” he smirked. “I use Axe now.”
“Oh wow, look at you, Dad,” I laughed. “So modern and cool.”
Mom rolled her eyes and tugged her mouth upward. “It was on sale,” she explained. “I bought it for your brother, and your Dad started using it.”
My dad is Bloomin’ Onion at the Outback Steakhouse. NO seasoning. Too spicy.
He’s chicken tenders on the lunch menu at Red Lobster. He’s steak Medium Well.
He’s French dressing.
“You have to have French dressing at your wedding,” he instructed. “You have to.” So we did.
Actually, Dad is all of the foods. Because he will ask you what you had for dinner at the party. He wants detailed answers.
“We had chicken, Dad,” I’ll say.
“Oh, chicken,” he nods approvingly. “Fried? Or grilled?”
“Grilled chicken breasts.”
“What did you have for the side?”
“Sweet potato fries.”
“Pew,” he crinkles his nose. “I like regular fries much better.”
My dad is a dark blue Rick Ford Dealership trucker hat. The snapback kind, never velcro. Mesh, never cloth.
He’s my elementary school spelling words. Every night in the living room, he’d say words, and I’d spell them.
He was there with his blue jeans and T-Shirt and trucker hat and mustache during my third grade spelling bee. Mom had to work at the hospital, so she missed it. Twenty-two years later and she still feels bad…but she shouldn’t. Because Dad sat in a chair while I stood on stage in the cafeteria. And my parents…they’re a team. If he’s there, she’s there.
But I confess…it is Dad’s beaming smile and him twirling me around in a hug after the spelling bee that I remember most. I got third place and took home a golden trophy on a wooden base with a smiling bee wearing glasses. I spelled “possible” wrong. P-o-s-s-a-b-l-e. Dad said I did great and told me he was proud of me. I will never forget it.
My dad is pranks. He’s fart machines under my cousin William’s wedding table, dead fish in the back of a co-worker’s truck, a sign that says “CLARENCE: KING OF THE HOME” on the back of his grandpa’s wheelchair at the assisted living facility.
My dad is strength. He’s worked hard all of his life in the worst of weather conditions. He’s Blue Dickies and NASCAR T-Shirts and a golden farmer’s tan that makes him laugh with pure pride as he holds up his forearm to my pale skin in the summer. “Beat you,” he beams.
He’s the tickling of my toes to wake me up at 6:15 a.m. every morning from middle school to graduation. He’s dusted sugar on top of my Rice Krispies cereal because he could pat it down on top so the milk brushed the sugar but didn’t sink it.
Dad buys bright orange pumpkins on the side stand of a back road that he brings them home to my mom. He hung a glowing red lightbulb outside my window on Christmas Eve to make me believe Rudolph fell off the roof. He loves Christmas and Michigan football and plaid sweatpants.
He calls me “Sis.” Never Lindsay.
He calls my husband “Big Man” and “Sparty.” When Adam asked for Dad’s permission to marry me, Dad replied, “Well, will my grandchildren be raised as Spartan fans or Michigan fans?”
He often jokes that he molded me. The joke is so old that he doesn’t say words now, just a smirk and motions with his hands as if he’s holding clay.
My dad is one of my favorite people in the entire world.
He has the biggest piece of my heart. No one can replace a girl’s dad. No one.
Dad didn’t know if he wanted kids. Mom had to convince him. I think he wasn’t sure he was going to be a good dad.
He was right. He’s not a good dad.
He’s a phenomenal dad.
And next week on his birthday, as we go to Outback Steakhouse for Bloomin’ Onions and juicy steaks and watch him blow out candles on a chocolate cake with fluffy white whipped cream frosting, I will smile at his smile.
I will be grateful for these moments.
And I will feel, for the millionth time in my life, how blessed I am to have James Henry as my dad.
It’s January 8. The second week of the new year.
Where has the time gone?
Many places, the clock on the wall whispers. It breathes with a steady tick, tick, tick. That sound….A constant reminder of how precious every second is. How nothing is the same and everything can change in an instant.
Tick, tick, tick.
Where has the time gone?
It stopped at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday night in March of 2017. Kelly called me. She asked if I was sitting down. Then she said the word I didn’t want to hear….never expected to hear.
Time stopped that night. It stayed frozen as I sat on the bedroom floor with the phone to my ear and my head in my hands.
But then it started again. Because time waits for no one.
Where did the time go? I repeated.
Many places, the clock echoed.
Time passed in the hospital. The numerous times Kelly walked through the doors of U of M hospital in Ann Arbor to treat her aggressive multiple myeloma that lived in her bones.
But it was just me with her that memorable Wednesday afternoon. Kel’s routine check-up ended with an ER visit. The hospital security guard printed my picture for an ID to clip onto my coat while Kelly waited to be admitted.
“I’ll just need you to look into the lens right here so we can get your photo,” the guard directed me, pointing at the small black digital camera on the front desk.
I shifted my feet. I didn’t know if I should smile or not. A surprise trip to the ER wasn’t exactly A smile-worthy situation.
“Here you go,” the guard said. He handed me the small ID card. The silver clip gleamed.
I peered at the grainy photo. The black ink dots blended together. I could barely see my half-smile with no teeth.
I rolled my lifelong friend to the ER room in the corner of a long hallway, right next to the bathrooms. We waited. She shared her dry chicken from the cafeteria with me. We laughed until we cried when I fell off of her bed right onto the white linoleum. We did our best to forget that we were in a hospital. It worked. For the most part.
Between the rotating questions from doctors wearing gray scrubs that looked comfortable and white coats that looked important, we watched “My 600 Pound Life” on the old TV from the ceiling and took pictures using the devil and angel filter on SnapChat. We waited. We got the verdict that her dizziness was related to vertigo, and that we could go home. We returned, forever changed. Closer than ever.
Where did the time go?
We folded seconds between thin, paper hospital gowns.
We stamped moments in our memories as we swapped text messages of dopey-looking basset hounds.
We cupped minutes in our palms as we stood in the doorway of a clothing boutique in Bay City a month before her transplant. We watched the rain splatter across the pavement, then counted to three. We shrieked and held hands as we ran to my car across the street.
Where did the time go?
Time shifted. Sometimes, hours felt like seconds.
Other times, days felt like years.
Time sat with her in beige chairs. Lingered in chemo bags. Stabbed with sharp needles.
It mixed with the hospital’s stale air, her ginger ale’s bubbles, the notes of an Ed Sheeran song as we drove home from Ann Arbor.
Curled up alongside her dark hair scattered across the salon’s wooden floor. Her curls looked like commas. As if they were saying, “This isn’t the end of your story. This is just a pause in the sentence.”
Time marched along. From early spring mornings to hot summer days to golden fall nights. It followed us as we walked with our pockets packed with worries and jokes. To the chemo. And the transplant.
Time stopped again when Kelly called me. I had just pulled in my driveway from work. The sky was a ceiling of gray. Our new Michigan normal. The summer sun had traded places with the early winter clouds a long time ago.
“Are you sitting down?” she asked.
“Yes, but I’m nervous…the last time you called and asked if I was sitting down, you told me the doctors think you have cancer.”
She chuckled lightly. “I’m going to send you something, okay?”
“Okay…” I held my breath.
My phone chirped with a text message. I pulled the phone from my ear and looked at the screenshot she sent me. It was an email from her doctor.
“Pretty fantastic results. These labs show complete remission.”
My shrieks and sobs started as I soon as held the phone back up to my ear. My heart felt light and heavy at the same time.
“You’re in remission?” I croaked.
“I am,” she said in a small, grateful voice. A hint of disbelief. The day we had waited-hoped-prayed for had finally arrived.
“You DID it,” I marveled at the magnitude of what this meant. “YOU DID IT! You’re in REMISSION.” Adrenaline filled my veins now as realization dawned on me. Her bones were cancer-free. She was healthy again.
“I can’t believe it,” she whispered.
“I’m so proud of you,” I whispered back. And I am. I always will be.
For Kelly, each continuous chemo-like pill represents another day and more time. And though there is currently no cure for multiple myeloma, someday there will be. Maybe it will take a day. A month. A year. But until then, we have time.
So where did the time go in 2017?
The time went to spaghetti dinners, and girls’ nights in the sunroom.
The time went to kind cards and scarves and messages of encouragement.
The time went to the day I saw her for the first time after her transplant. She had a scarf on her scalp, but her smile was wide. I hugged her in the kitchen and sobbed as soon as I wrapped my arms around her. My voice cracked as I said, “You’re here. It’s you. You look so good. You look SO GOOD.”
In 2017, the time went toward finding joy in the little things.
The time went toward praying.
The time went toward battling and growing and loving and surviving.
The time went toward healing.
And breadsticks. Lots of Olive Garden breadsticks.
2018, what do you have for us? I wonder.
I glance down at the bracelet on my wrist. Gingerly touch the red and green and blue beads on one side, then brush my fingers against the pure white beads on the other side. A silver charm gleams in the middle, connecting the white with the color. STRONG IS BEAUTIFUL, the charm reads in bold, black letters. I bought the bracelet when dear friends and community members and colleagues and supporters hosted and attended a spaghetti dinner in Kelly’s honor. The tough times are tough. But there’s so much beauty and joy in the tribe that surrounds you.
I twirl the bracelet beads and think, I know what 2018 has for us. Hopefully a lot of it:
Time to make plans.
Let us not waste a single moment.